Crossroads

Looking in the mirror,
I’m asking who I am.
I can find no answers.
Where should I look for them?
I’m not getting younger,
three crosses before late,
but I don’t feel mature,
still haven’t found my fate.
I know myself the best,
what a challenge I am,
little ugly duckling
as may turn to a gem.
Weird fool and insecure,
a bundle of trouble,
to make a connection
easy I’m not able.
No wonder no one would
be interested in me,
incapable to be
spontaneous and care-free.
Too shy to make a move,
rejected when I do,
thus deterred from trying
to contact someone new.
In fact, I’m afraid to
do so, because, I swear,
I always fall in love
with guys who just don’t care.
I’m hard to get along
due to my ordeal past.
Oft too self-critical,
I focus on my worst.
Under strict parenting,
I grew up being taught,
and soon got to believe,
that I was of no worth.
Self-doubting introvert,
have to be a good girl,
hoping that secures me
a decent place in world.
Most time worried about
others’ opinion,
I try to do all right
lest I’m not shamed on.
Always eager to please
near every one around,
help all in hope to prove
I’m not a good-for-naught.
Befriended just for that,
I had to learn to say
a resolute NO-NO
in the order to save
myself from being used
by ingenuine friends.
Nonetheless, I still tend
for it to make amends.
So how can others now
recognize what I don’t?
What is my human worth
no one did ever vaunt.
How do I now regain
confidence never had
in self and my value?
A long path yet to tread.