Dear God

Dear God,
please, tell me what fate you intend for me.
Where exactly do You want me to be?
Please, give me a clear sign which path You have
designed for me to take. Help me perceive,
help me discern what is my life’s calling.
Because currently the only calling
I recognise is that of my heart for
this lovely man. But that just makes it sore
since he doesn’t feel the same way about
me, which only fortifies my old doubt
that I was made to be loved by a man,
that it’s unlikely to ever happen
given that none of those I’ve loved so far
had truly loved me back, leaving but scar
after scar on my heart, soul, and mainly
my self-confidence already greatly
undermined and fragile. Moreover, I
never even managed with any guy
to get as far as to his friendzone, since
I wasn’t ever able to convince
any one of them for a single date.
Not even good enough to be a mate,
at most, treated as a chance acquaintance,
but more often not even worth a glance,
shunned and avoided for no clear reason.
Sure, in high school there was one exception.
But he only wanted me in order
to prove he could do it; add another
name to his list of girls that he
deluded, while still flirting with many
more all the time I didn’t know about.
But I didn’t have to be writing this out
to You, dear Lord, You know all about it.
You know all my feelings. What I wanted
to say is that from my experience
with men up-to-date (at least, so I sense)
it’s becoming apparent that this is not
a path I am supposed to thread and trot.
Instead, I’m wondering ever more whether
I am meant to stay alone and rather
devote myself to my work and serving
You. If so, why then did You put this thing,
this desire for all those men into
my heart? Why did You make me able to
fall in love with them and love them so much
when I will never be loved back, none such?
If it is so, please, remove it from me.
Please, help me get rid of such wants, free me
of such earthly needs. Help me cease loving
the one I currently do. That’s one thing
he probably wishes for the most too.
My Lord, only you have the power to.
Please, grant me not to fall in love again.
Give me the strength to never care for men
in this way anymore. Oh, please, do bless
me so that I’m able to acquiesce
to whatever fate you prepared for me
without one at my side. Also, help me
be like the many virgin female saints
who only loved You, above all, if that’s
the way you chose for me. Help me accept
that course since I’m already love-inept.
Please, help me become content with my life
as is, never becoming a loved wife,
so that I’d find it more than sufficient
and never be of men’s love deficient.
Help me internalise that happiness
is in Your love and not anything else.
If that is Your will. Otherwise, can I
get any sign if my heart’s not awry?