Easter II

Life can be sometimes so malicious!
As if it wasn’t enough that I
chanced to spot you yesterday, driving
somewhere away from here, today I
met another of my former love
interests in the church. But what’s more,
I shocked myself that despite feeling
no attraction to him anymore,
the encounter still disbalanced me
emotionally. For how dare he
stand right in front of me along with
his wife — the very same woman he
ultimately rejected me for?!
How could he have expected that I
wouldn’t mind that?! For sure I can’t stand
the whole mass him and his wife close by,
let alone shake hands with them. Nor can
I even look at them together
the whole time. I just had to move and
sit as far away from them, rather,
as I possibly could; angry both
at him and myself too. At him for
being so inconsiderate of
me, our past. And at myself for
letting that still affect and even
overwhelm me so much. But then I
realised that it’s absolutely
true about me that once I love, I
do love for life, albeit differently.
For although I did the right thing to
not meddle in their happiness, that
does not mean I won’t regret it too,
along with all the lost could-have-beens.
For although I’m in love with someone
else now, that doesn’t prevent all those
memories of him being “the one”
and me pining for him from coming
back to me. (We really could have been
the perfect pair!) Especially since
my fancy towards him did begin
at church, and therefore many of my
fond memories of him are tied to
this place. In addition, his breaking
of my heart connects exactly to
this time of the year — the Easter time.
It was good eight years ago when I
first saw him here with her and so spent
the whole mass time barely holding my
tears back. So then immediately
after the mass I had to take my
dog for a walk as a cover-up,
like often when in distress, as I
just needed to run into the fields
to finally cry myself out in
nature’s privacy. Similarly,
during one Christ-mass, upon seeing
him again, I was unable to
hold my tears back and cried silently
almost the whole mass. And yet other
time, the priest’s passionate homily
about love made me run right out of
the church at the mass’s end, crying.
I jumped on my bike and took a ride
then by the lake, ever on speeding
until I threw it in the clover
field midway and sat down next to it,
helplessly crying while unwitnessed.
Crazy, right? But I couldn’t help it.
Oh, back then I sure would have given
everything for a chance to stand so
close to him as I did on this day.
But not anymore. Not today. No.
Today I couldn’t stand it at all.
And it enraged me that just like back
then I somehow couldn’t hold myself
from crying today, hold my tears back,
for all the memories suddenly
resurfaced, also from the despair
about my current situation
with you — for the eternal despair
that it always ends up exactly
the same between me and any guy
I develop loving feelings for.
And I thought he’d never make me cry
again! Luckily though, I ended
up sitting all by myself today,
so no one could see the tears running
down my cheeks in emotional sway.
Oh, how I wish I lost memory
of all the guys I’ve ever fallen
in love with! My life would be so much
easier and my eyes not cry-swollen.