Emotional castration

Sometimes I contemplate these crazy notions:
If only there was something like castration
in the form of drugs or an operation
to get me rid of unwanted emotions

once and for good, I’d give anything for it
lest I again develop an attraction
to or desire for a male companion.
Something like the memory-erasing kit

from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
However, with truly eternal effects
that would release me from the urge that infects
all my existence. If only I could find

something that would root out the longing for men
out of my soul forever and relieve me
of the risk and shame of getting a weak knee
or both due to falling in love again

with someone who doesn’t want it in the least,
and thus making myself an absolute fool
for being unable to quench and defuel
the flame of the alleged love which goes unceased

on and on despite the man’s indifference.
I so want to lose the capability
to fall in love, ’cause in my reality
that never turns out well. My experience

so far is that I’ve never fallen in well.
No guy has ever found my love suitable
or convenient. And since I’m unable
on my own effort these feelings to dispel,

I’m always left broken-hearted, and I doubt
it could ever end up otherwise. I fear
no one will ever deem me his darling dear.
It simply is not my doom to take that route

and have my interest reciprocated.
In such case—if that ever happened, I guess,
then necessarily the whole universe
would explode. To be loved I’m just not fated.

That’s the reason why I hate being in love.
I hate being in love but never loved back.
I hate craving the special someone while lack
his closeness and attention. I can’t allow

this to happen ever again, ’cause I hate
always having only unrequited and
desperate crushes which often feel quite like banned
as the seemingly nice guys I wish to date,

not fancying the idea, just resent me.
They turn out to be ignorant dumbasses
as soon as I confess to them what passes
on inside my heart—that I dream to be

their girlfriend—or when I even hint at it.
Immediately, they start avoiding me.
Just imagine how much easier life would be
if this kind of romance bond we didn’t need;

if we were like various wild animals:
incapable of feeling strong emotion,
meeting and mating just for procreation,
otherwise going separate ways as mere pals.

After all, it’s just some natural urges,
just biology and chemistry drawing
me to you, just my stupid hormones raging.
Just a bunch of chemicals, that’s all it is.

Therefore, I should be rational about that
and never let myself be governed by those.
Plus, I should avoid trying to become close
and mate with anyone, so that I don’t spread

all the awful, bad genes I inherited
any further. These are the mantras that I
always repeat and which resonate in my
mind every time I get by guys rejected,

trying to decrease the sorrow in my heart
as well as convince myself that what I feel
is not—because it simply mustn’t be—real.
But believing that is incredibly hard.

Nonetheless, every time I sorrow for you,
I recall my mantras. Almost every day
I try to persuade myself that this way
is not doomed for me, no matter what I do.

I wasn’t made for this. Unfortunately,
I still somehow fail to fully embrace and
internalize them as much as I foreplanned.
Yet I keep saying them determinately,

hoping that like any lie, if repeated
again and again at least a thousand times,
they sure will eventually become true claims.
I know they already are. Unattested

though, as there is some cognitive dissonance
I am unable to overcome for now.
I gotta make myself believe it somehow,
that I’m much better off without a man. Hence

I wish to kill all the Eros that’s in me.
What use or good I have of it anyway
when I can’t attract or seduce any bae?
Some handicaps are just not easy to see.

Mine is that I don’t know how to interest
anyone enough to get even one date.
Apparently, partnership isn’t my fate.
Therefore, to give up seems to be the choice best.

There’s no point in trying to charm anyone
or give anyone a chance when certainly
sooner or later they will, mercilessly,
break your heart anyway. And that is no fun!

Evidently, I’m impossible to like.
I’m just a malfunctioning article. So
it’s pure madness to give it another go
when all it could bring me is just new heart-break.

Nobody’s worth it just as I’m not worth it
to anybody. Therefore, I had better
invest my energy in things with greater
chances of success than zero. God forbid

I ever lose my head for a man again.
More than a wrecked failure, I’d rather be seen
as a robot-like, emotionless Ice Queen.
I’m already tired of having to feign

that I don’t feel what I do, because the men
I feel it for don’t want it to be that way.
For most of my life I’ve been my feelings’ prey;
always fighting against being in love when

I wasn’t being loved back or desired.
But I can fight it no longer. I’m so sore.
I can’t—don’t want to live like this anymore.
My heart’s broken to pieces and I’m tired.

So because of that I’d be glad to get rid
of the capability to develop
romantic feelings. It simply has to stop
once and forever! This is what I most need.