Favourite person

Why do I desire so badly
to belong somewhere—to somebody?
And why do I feel the need to be
genuinely liked and not merely

tolerated, seen as a burden?
Why does it even pain so much to
realise—as I acutely do—
I’m not anyone’s favourite person?

—especially not to the one who
is my favourite person in the whole
world, currently dearest to my soul,
but the chances with whom I totes blew.

So now I’m the exact opposite
to him—I’m most likely the only
person that he dislikes so strongly
—though he may not so fully admit—

to the extent of avoiding and
blocking me, from which it follows that
I must be a really awful cad
when the friendliest guy hates me on end.

I wish I didn’t feel anything
to him, neither to anyone else
anymore, so there’ll be no more spells
of depressed waterfall-like crying

once in a while—well, almost every
other day (if only my abs would
strengthen from all these convulsions screwed
induced by my love-sick reverie).

Perhaps, my sullenness is partly
contributed to or enhanced by
the pills I’m on due to health, but I
truly believe it essentially

stems from me. It’s just the way I am.
I love too much and too naively
and, when rejected, hurt profoundly.
It always ends exactly the same.

Then I try to fill the resulting
void inside me as well as drown
the deafening silence all around
me with work and new hobbies, watching

some videos or playing music
in the background, doing whatever
just to take my mind off my lover,
not caring a bit if it seems sick.

I waste my time browsing social sites,
trying to simulate the social
contact I miss, but to minimal
effect as no amount of efforts

and activity can drive away
the feeling of loneliness and loss.
That is my forever doom because,
despite it all, you on my mind stay.

Only sleep temporarily seems
to redeem me from this suffering,
either to oblivion taking
me or to you in the sweetest dreams.

But in wakeful state I’m well aware
that I’m such an unlovable wreck
whom no one could possibly like back
as, based on my life so far, I swear,

I only have the potential to
attract gypsy she-males and potheads.
Guess, I just can’t be no normal dude’s
love interest and favourite person too.