Halfway to nowhere

I didn’t expect to wake up to such a morning alarm.
It really threw me off balance, though I tried to remain calm.
I’m flabbergasted, disconcerted, mystified, and so stunned.
I still totally can’t wrap my mind around what just happened.
Why are you here? Why now? Is this just another surreal dream?
Why you picked the worst possible time when everybody’s home?

Knowing how much I disgust you, I thought you’d never even speak
to me again unless heavily drunk, since you always freak
out just seeing me nearby. And yet you called, and yet you came
as I had secretly hoped for, though not exactly the same
way as I’d imagined it. I don’t know what you intended
or were trying to achieve by this. Nor how you expected
me to react. What exactly were you trying to find out?
A courier could have done it. So what is this really about?

But I must admit I admire your courage. Honestly,
it must have been so much harder for you to come and face me
than it was for me to face you. That’s quite the turn from hiding
behind a chicken coop about two months ago to showing
up at my house “just” to deliver an order in person.
We both know that behind this there was a way more going on.

You know I was barely holding it together and that’s why
I approached it only as a business transaction, lest I
would start crying talking to you any longer than I did.
That’s also why I couldn’t look straight at you and rather slid
back inside as soon as possible. But still I noticed that
you wore dark sunglasses. Was it deliberately, so that
I wouldn’t see your beautiful eyes with which I fell in love?
For there was no sun, just clouds covering the whole sky above.

And why is it that after letting me down you’re still trying
to be respectful to me (or at least, you’re so pretending),
too coward to disclose the true reasons behind being here
and what you really think of me and my love for you, my dear,
perhaps even berate me for it? Isn’t that why you came —
to try to make me stop loving you by showing off your dame?

Unfortunately, I’m so hopelessly in love with you that
I find rather quite endearing even these your attempts at
being nice to me, because that proves how kind-hearted you are,
which is what attracts me to you the most. Isn’t it bizarre?
Hence also the tip I left you. In other circumstances
I’d tell you to take me for it for some lemonade or fizz
some day. For me, it’s the only way of saying “I love you”
in a non-verbal way I’m still able and allowed to do.

You know, you’re different than anybody else I loved before.
Not this, nor that. Neither mercilessly oblivious, nor
resolutely dismissive, but oscillating between both.
Once you seem to take to me normally, but next to loathe.
Not here, nor there. You’re just halfway to it all and to nowhere
at the same as if you’re still unresolved about me, I swear.

It was more understandable when you were avoiding me
in disgust and fear. But what you’re doing now confuses me.
All of a sudden you dare to face me. And I don’t get it.
What I get, though, is that the heart can’t be ordered, not a bit,
to feel in any desired way. It makes its own choices.
You can’t make yours feel what it doesn’t and just like that, truth is,
I can’t make mine unfeel what it does. So it looks like we’re at
dead ends here with each other and for now have to live with that.

This doesn’t change anything.