VIII

48

Breathing

“You should stop thinking about him,” they say.
And I’m trying my best not to, seething
with all sorts of activities and play.
But it’s like saying: “You should stop breathing.”

49

Sorry...

I’m so incredibly sorry for ruining
your life by falling in love with you, darling.
Like before, I truly mean it. Believe me.
I know it’s wrong. I know it shouldn’t be.
And that’s why I hold back from contacting you.
Neither do I put any demands on you,
so that I do not bother you any more.
I always hold back. I always have since yore,
even from the guys I was ere you loving.
I always restrain myself from following
the yearnings of my heart, so that they can be
happy. (And that’s what the problem seems to be!
Every time I do so, I also wonder
whether I’m doing the right thing or blunder.
I guess it must be right; I’ve been taught so by
society and religion. And each guy
I let go of fares quite well now. Every one.
Yet what good has it ever brought to me? None.)
But rest assured I’d never do anything
horrid to myself. That’d be a hell-bounding
sin and no good whatsoever, ’cause running
away from issues doesn’t solve anything.
It only makes things worse. (That’s also why I
never ran away from home neither did try
to do so as a teenager as I knew
that upon returning back I’d be due to
be treated even worse than ever before.)
If I had the will to do so, been done for,
I would have done it long ago for others.
But I’m not one to make such gory pothers.
(One saying goes: “A barking dog doesn’t bite.”
And that’s me. I just bark when I’m not all right.)
It would only ruin everyone’s lives even
more and as a result they’d hate me even
more. And I really don’t want that. Moreover,
I have many things to do and go over
yet, much work to finish and challenges to
pull off. A lot of writing ideas too
I can’t discard now just because people don’t
like reading them (Who’s forcing them to? I’m not.)
So don’t worry. I should eventually get
through it one day in my own way and forget
about you, just like I have before about
the others, mayhap. I might write myself out
of it. This time, though, I will make sure nothing
alike will be ever again happening.

50

…not sorry

But then… Why should I always be sorry
for having the feelings I do, I query.
Why should it always be me excusing
myself for everything that I’m feeling?
That logic I simply don’t comprehend.
Why should I feel guilty for having and
expressing any feelings whatsoever?
Why I’m, instead, expected to ever
only deny, disown, and suppress them?
From where does this stupid convention stem?
Why am I always the one expected
to kill my feelings and with them a bit,
no, a huge chunk of myself also, and
yet feel bad for having had them on end?
And, particularly, why should I be
sorry for loving you in the only
way I know of? Shouldn’t feelings rather
be always acknowledged and, I gather,
validated for them to be processed
properly and their gravity assessed,
especially when they come from heart’s core?
So there’s nothing I should be sorry for.

51

Regrets

The saddest thing about being me
is that eventually every guy
regrets getting acquainted with me,
making me feel so wretched thereby.

52

Scary love

I don’t know how
to love in a way
that wouldn’t scare
everyone away.

53

Adviser

It’s easy giving advice when
someone hasn’t walked in my shoes,
always being the popular
one, having many guys to choose
from as so many used to be
interested in her. How quickly
has she forgotten, though, that this
time it was also partially
her fault as she mentioned to me,
and not just once, what a great guy
this friend of hers was. And I thought:
“If she’s friends with him, that implies
he indeed can’t be a bad man.”
So I started considering
giving him a chance after all
and curiously observing
him so much more. And we all know
just how awfully it ended.
Thus I decided to no more
follow her advice, like I did.

54

Selfish bitch

First they teach you that you only bother
when you want your needs to be met; that your
feelings and opinions don’t matter —
are irrelevant when you endeavour
to advocate for yourself. They also
make you obey unconditionally
and your desires and dreams to forgo.
And then, when you learn to defeatedly
subside, they chastise you for not being
self-confident and assertive enough.
And when you learn to shut up, preferring
to keep everything only to yourself,
and solving all your problems on your own;
when you learn to do without anyone,
you get this absurd criticism thrown
at you that by avoiding everyone
you’re being selfish, egotistical.
Well, how ludicrous those assertions are?!
But if what is meant by that critical
reproach is for once, like never so far,
trying to stand your ground and pursuing
what you want so much sans submitting to
anyone else’s wishes, or doing
things your own way, not as others please you
do, then I am indeed a selfish bitch.
And maybe it’s about time I were too.