X

62

Môj problém

Môj problém, zdá sa mi, spočíva v tom,
že vidím v tebe všetko to dobré,
obdivu a lásky hodné, pričom
si ale uvedomujem dobre,

že nie si dokonalý. Napokon,
to nie je nikto na tomto svete.
Možno preto mám ja takýto sklon,
že tí kľúčoví ľudia v živote

mojom videli vo mne vždy hlavne
všetko to zlé, až som im nakoniec
uverila, že taká skutočne
som — len naničhodný vraj sebec.

Preto ja nechcem byť tým človekom,
kvôli komu by sa niekto iný
niekedy mohol cítiť rovnako.
Tak vnímam to, čím sú výnimoční.

63

Sľúbiť je od slova ľúbiť

Vnímaš, že sľúbiť je od slova ľúbiť?
Keď som teda súhlasila ti sľúbiť,
že ťa už viac kontaktovať nebudem,
vedz, bolo to preto, že ťa milujem,
v dôsledku čoho ťa chcem šťastným robiť,
nie ti svojou láskou život ničiť.
A preto to aj doteraz dodržujem.
Tvoju voľbu, jak vidíš, rešpektujem.
Presne tak, ako som to aj sľúbila
každému, koho som predtým ľúbila.
Len jedno ti však nedokážem sľúbiť:
že ťa tak ľahko prestanem ľúbiť,
pretože to je neodškriepiteľne
od samej podstaty slova nemožné.

64

Catherine of Genoa

Saint Catherine of Genoa
sure nailed the truth claiming love
cannot be checked, and if checked,
it’s not pure and simple love.

Of course, here she was speaking
of the love to God above.
But all love is just the same
as it derives from His love.

65

Reading Lewis

C. S. Lewis claimed that with love, like everything,
it’s like with the sun beam in a toolshed, coming
in through a crack in its wall. When you look at it,
you see but a thin ray of light, making you squint
as everything else around it remains in pitch-dark.
But when you step into the beam, you will remark
that as you look along it, on one end it will
illuminate the items it falls on while still
on the other end you will be able to take
a peek of the outside world through the shed wall crack.
Likewise, you can learn a lot about love when you
observe it from outside — and it will all be true —
by reading about it in prose, poetry, and
perhaps even in scientific papers, and
listening to lovesongs or watching romances.
Thus you’ll learn all there is to learn. But the truth is
you can only come to know the reality
of love by stepping in it with due piety,
by experiencing it. On the one hand then,
it will illuminate for you the beloved man
or woman and, on the other hand, it will give
you a peek of happiness truly effusive
from beyond this world, where it’s an imperfect thing.
And that’s when I realised why I know nothing
about love. I don’t know what love is, actually.
I don’t know how to love anyone properly
since I’ve never experienced genuine love.
Instead, I know everything about the pain of
not getting any of it, not even a bit.
And I must say Lewis was right when he noted
that to know about pain is but a pale shadow
compared to experiencing the real love-throe.

66

17 years

Ever since I was sixteen, I’ve been seriously but vainly
in love, as whenever one crush  subsided, immediately
another one sprung up to replace it. Unfortunate was that
it was always with guys who’d never want to seriously date
me even if I were the only woman in the whole wide world.
That’s why I never want to fall in love and have my heart thus thirled
ever again once I manage to rid myself of my current
infatuation. Because, given my bad luck and apparent
shitty taste in men, I dread it would end up exactly the same.
And I don’t want to go through that again — always having to tame
and suppress the feelings burning my heart and to remove myself
from the guy’s life, giving him the space he needs, devoting myself
to my work and activities instead, just like the various
relationship coaches and mentors advise, though it’s spurious.
But nothing ever comes of it for me anyway, except for
a repetition of exactly the same scenario.
Apparently, no approach works for me — loving nor withdrawing.
And I’m tired of it — always being rejected and hurting.
I wanna break free from this vicious cycle. I truly wanna
finally be rid of all these stupid feelings. I so wanna
not be always fighting against being in love. I wanna go
back to what I was like in fifteen when, thus far, I didn’t know
anything about men, neither did I care about them at all.
I wanna live only for school and God — and not be a love’s thrall —
like I did back then, and wish that was sufficient to fulfill me.
I just wanna work on myself and my spirituality
and not be craving any guy for at least a couple next years.
Rationally, I wish to be more like my nun friend, who cheers
and is so much more joyous about being loved by God than me,
except for the cloister submission. I wish that was enough for me
to make me happy. I pray God’s love fulfilled my heart just enough
so I wouldn’t be so needy and desperately looking for love
and validation in men anymore. Thinking of it, maybe
that was the path I was meant to walk before M. first hit on me
and thus messed with my heart, setting me off on the wrong path. Maybe
that’s what you were to teach me — to cement the notion in me.
Although, I had figured as much after the guy in between you
two. And I was perfectly on terms with it before I met you.
At that point in my life I was truly content. Indeed, it was
the best point in my life by then, having just left my parents’ house
and finished my degree, on my way to my dream job. That was it!
But then you popped up, took me dancing, and everything went to shit.
So you were such an unnecessary life lesson since I knew
already very well that me falling in love always but screws
everything both for me and the guy. Now, in addition to that,
I struggle to get back to the contentment I formerly had.
So may God grant me the mercy to regain it, I pray. And may you
be — no, actually, I am adamant you ARE the last one whom
I will ever have ruined life by wanting to give him all my love;
the last one I will ever have let break me. I have had enough!
Next time there will be no next time. I will make sure of that. I’m not
letting anyone else disturb my peace and mess me up — just not —
ever again once I regain it (if ever). I’ll never be
the first one to care and reach out anymore to anybody.
And if, per some most unlikely chance, anyone ever dares to
want me, he’ll have to prove his love to me, had he the patience to
do so. Because I’m done with this nonsense, this absurdity,
as loves only get happy ends in tales, not in reality.