XXVIII

189

Skating encounter 13

The whole ride I’d been thinking intensely
about how I’d like to meet you and tell
you about my feelings when, suddenly,
coming down your street, I saw you walking
towards me, dressed up and looking into
your phone as if you were going for some
date. I considered if I should ride to
you and disturb you to talk to you when
you looked up for a moment, looked straight at
me and, unexpectedly, greeted me
nonchalantly as if everything that
had been going on — the tension as well
as avoidance — between us had never
happened and I was just a casual
acquaintance, which somehow made me waver.
It just threw me off. And with that I froze,
anxiety overcoming me. So
all I managed to do was to mumble
a barely even audible hello
as I passed you by. Immediately,
I grew angry at myself for this and,
crunching down and wrapping my hands around
my head, I said loud: “What’s wrong with you?” and
looked back to see whether you had heard that.
I think that by that I was referring
equally to you as well as myself.
Again I found myself considering,
for a split second, whether to turn round,
go back and catch up with you. But the fear
of a, for me, negative outcome of
such a confrontation with you, my dear,
held me back, which I quickly regretted.
I wish I had been more courageous to
actually carry out what I had been
wanting to do so much and talked to you,
knowing you were likely as much afraid
of confronting me as I was. Damn it!
Damn my social anxiety! Saddened
and disappointed in myself, I did
somehow manage to ride up to the old
cinema building, where I finally
broke down. So I just sat down on its stairs
and wept for like an hour bitterly
over my inability to act
upon my feelings and desires when
I had the chance. To this day I regret
not having the guts to talk to you then
and thus clear everything between us up.

190

Encounters at churches

It was maybe about a week after you gave me
your definite NO. I was just coming home from church
when I saw you in the distance, walking towards me.
I thought you, spotting me, would turn into the side road,
towards your home. But you intended, apparently,
to visit your friend, so you continued straight. Thus we
would have had to pass each other, inevitably.
Inadvertently, I stepped to the edge of the road
and so did you, just on the other side. So we were
walking on the utmost edges of the road as we
were getting nearer, and seeing us like that there
would have been immensely funny were it not so sad.
I had promised to not even greet you again since
it bothered you, so while I did raise my hand, passing
you by, I caught myself in time to not wave, but winced
and brushed my hair away from my forehead awkwardly,
screening thus my sight from you. So I didn’t even
see if you looked at me. However, as we passed, I
looked back hopefully to see if you’d do the same then,
considering whether I should run after you and
try to talk to you anyway. But you didn’t look
back and I didn’t want to annoy you even more.
Then a couple weeks later (maybe it even took
a month or two) I encountered you near a church yet
again. I was looking down when I was exiting
it after a Sunday mass, so raising my eyes up
I first noticed only your brother nearby standing.
Only when I stepped aside to wait for the rest of
my family, I observed you with the yours waiting
in front of the church door. But you didn’t look at me.
Nonetheless, to see you there was really surprising
as you don’t usually go to church. So I guessed that
you all came there to attend the baptism of some
family relative’s baby, as those sacraments
were typically performed after the mass, though no pram
nor baby could I see anywhere around right then.

191

Skating encounter 14

I was skating along the main road, just passing
the pub, when I saw you on the sidewalk walking
towards me. So I turned round immediately
and skated back to where I just came from swiftly
to avoid you and thus save you the trouble of
having to avoid me, for I know, my dear love,
how encountering me annoys and bothers you.
And for several months since I had been, too,
avoiding skating through your street although it is
of the best length and asphalt for skating there is.

192

Wine tasting

By the end of summer there was a wine tasting event
held at the ice cream shop’s grounds. To not go there awkwardly
alone, I asked my mother to accompany me there
while I wore my most flattering dress, deliberately,
in case I would encounter you there. Which I indeed did.
I saw you just as you arrived with your friends. We looked at
each other for a short moment and then you disappeared
somewhere in the crowd, so that I would no longer look at
you as you didn’t like even that. Thus I could forget
about any hopes I might have had to maybe get to
dance with you later that night had you gotten drunk enough,
and went home as I had come — with my mum instead of you.

193

Skating encounter 15

The first I saw you the next year was in late spring.
When I reached the top of the street at the farm yards,
I saw you below me just as you turned, running,
from the side dirt road onto the main one and then
continued along it towards your friend’s house, which
was the same direction I was going. Only
you were so far ahead of me, I couldn’t reach
— I couldn’t catch up to you before you ran to
the end of the street and turned right onto the road
leading to Kovarce. So when I reached the spot,
I could but longingly watch you turn off that road
to the fields, until you disappeared behind trees.

194

Summer cinema

I went to the park to see one of the outdoor
movie screenings. I think it was Asterix and
Obelix, the new one I hadn’t seen before.
But after I spotted you mid-screening, talking
to your friends on the side where refreshments were sold,
I could no longer concentrate on the movie.
Instead, you were all I could henceforward behold.
Based on the sports stuff holder vest you were wearing
I guessed you stopped by there coming from a cycling
trip. I could not take my eyes off you till you left
but, luckily, the sky was already getting
dark, so you couldn’t see me in the unlit crowd.